and she was petting her beer can
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
