My nipple is on Facebook.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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