Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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