I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
