Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
