The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
