I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My dick has a subreddit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
