shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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