Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
