Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugly people sure do ruin things
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
