My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
