the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
