my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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