38 yer olds are good kisserssss
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
