im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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