if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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