I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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