I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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