Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
