I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
