So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
