apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
