I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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