New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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