i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
