I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
