i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
