I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
