i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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