do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
