im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
