Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My ass is underappreciated
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
