seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
