the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
