dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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