So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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