The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
