i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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