if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
