I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
