I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
