Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
