I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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