tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
