walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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