A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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