I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
