i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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