I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
