I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
