I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
a search helicopter?!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your cock deserves a montage
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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