dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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