Even the bartender felt bad for me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
