He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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