i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
its not stalking. its research.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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