I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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