I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
